Beelzedorf
by DiamondTopaz
Summary: Ganondorf returns to Hyrule-yes, again-and Link and Zelda must now defeat him...with the power of ROCK! (Parody of Beelzeboss, from "Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny. If you take this fic seriously, I got a piece of the Triforce to sell ya. :P )


**Beelzedorf**

"You know, not all of your dreams are prophecy, Princess," Link suggested to Zelda as the two of them wandered through Hyrule Field. "Just because you had a vision of a great earthquake splitting the field and a dark presence rising from the bowels of the earth may just mean you indulged in too much Chu jelly toast last night."

"But I know what I saw," Zelda protested. "And I know that the sages were warning me that a great threat is impending upon Hyrule. That's why I need you to—"

Before she even finished speaking, a tremor did indeed shudder across the field as her dream foretold. Link and Zelda both stumbled to maintain their footing as the Triforce marks upon their hands began to emanate a holy glow. The ground before them split to allow a shapeless dark cloud to vent out of the earth. More and more it loomed, until it took a humanoid shape. Ganondorf himself stood before them, cape billowing and an expression bleeding with danger. He proclaimed in a feral roar.

Ganondorf:_  
I have returned!_

The princess and hero gawked in unison.

Zelda/Link:_  
Ooooh, nooooo!_

Ganondorf proceeded to taunt the pair that blighted his very existence.

Ganondorf:_  
Yes, it is I! Vengeance is nigh!  
Ganondorf's here and in shambles you'll lie  
Hyrule will be mine and you're first in line  
You brought me the Triforce and now you shall die!_

As the Gerudo King prepared to conjure a dark magic spell, Link valiantly stepped forward.

Link:_  
Wait! Wait! Wait!  
O, King of Evil!  
We challenge you to a showdown!  
One chance for music skills to go down!_

Ganondorf paused, and then snarled.__

Ganondorf:  
Blast! Blast! Blast!  
Gerudo Law prevents me  
From declining a showdown challenge  
What are your terms? What's the catch?

Link had to think on his feet before making a proposition.

Link: _  
If we win, you must return to the Sacred Realm  
And there you must stay 'till the end of time_

Ganondorf looked unimpressed by the suggestion, though with a devious stroke of his beard he realized how this might work to his advantage.

Ganondorf:_  
And what if I win?_

The hero paused.

Link:_  
Then you can take Zelda back with you..._

"What?!" Zelda's glare fixed on him like the white-hot stab of a Beamos laser.

A shrug. "Sorry Princess. I'm always risking my neck…now it's your turn."

The princess's mouth hung open. "What in Nayru's name are you saying?!" Link merely responded by putting his hand on her shoulder.

_Link:  
...to be your blushing bride._

"Done!" the Gerudo acquiesced. "Let the showdown begin!" With wicked laughter, Ganondorf buried a forceful fist in the ground. The shockwave that shot out altered the terrain, and the ground the Evil King stood on transformed into a stage. With a snap of his fingers he summoned a bonefish guitar out of midair. The first notes he emitted were no less forceful than the shockwave he sent out.

Ganondorf:_  
The King of Evil's new upheaval!  
This tune I play, you cannot match it!_

As though summoned by his music, four Poe sisters appeared overhead to illuminate his performance.

_Ganondorf:  
I'm the Evil King, I do as I please,  
Conquered the kingdom with the greatest of ease,  
There's none can stop me, so Ganondorf hereby decrees_

He waved his red cape off to the side, then pulled it back to reveal a mannequin clad in a flowing white wedding dress and veil, much to the dismay of Zelda. Ganondorf smiled lecherously at her.

_Ganondorf:  
I can't wait to make Zelda my bride  
Her wisdom and beauty, I have always eyed  
The perfect queen to reign Hyrule by my side_

"No!" Link's outcry silenced Ganondorf's performance. The Poes vanished, and Ganondorf discarded his bonefish guitar to assume a passive stance, just standing there and challenging the duo to top his performance.  
"Take heart, Zelda," Link urged. "If it's a battle of music he wants, let's show him we can deliver."

Zelda:_  
There's just no way that we can win,  
That was a masterpiece._

"Listen to me," Link began to reason.

Zelda:  
_The Triforce of Power in his hand makes him divine._

"Pull yourself together, Princess!" the hero declared.

Link:_  
He wants to marry you,  
You'll be forced to say "I do,"_

_"_Never!" Zelda interjected.

_Link:  
Unless the Triforce of Wisdom and Courage now combine._

A sigh emitted the princess's delicate lips.

Zelda:_  
Then, our tale is not quite done,_

_Link:  
This legend we embark is not yet spun,_

_Zelda/Link:  
The hour to banish evil has begun!_

_Link:  
Come now, Zelda, now it's our final hour_

Zelda:  
It's as you say, Link, this is our final hour

Link:  
Strum your harp, my ocarina will follow

Zelda:  
My spell will bind him while your sword deals the last blow

Zelda/Link:  
Now we've got to smite the kingdom's bane

Zelda:  
He means to take me if we do not see him slain

Link:  
Join me Zelda, 'cause it's time that we end this

Zelda:  
Oh, with Arrows of Light, we must bring righteous justice

Link:  
O King of Evil! Ganondorf!  
Your reckoning has now come forth  
You were a tyrant, your reign was cruel  
We will defeat you for all Hyrule  
You have great power  
More than do we  
But we will triumph  
It's destiny!

_Zelda/Link:  
It's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny, it's destiny!_

"You insult me with your drabble," Ganondorf sneered. "This showdown is over-you're mine, Princess!" He waved his hand and clenched his fist, summoning a pink crystalline trap to ensnare a dismayed Zelda. The haughty tyrant then turned to Link. "Now you die!" he bellowed. A ball of electric energy formed at his fingertips and then hurled towards the green-clad hero.__

"NO!" Within a second, the radiant Master Sword was unsheathed, cutting a swath to knock back the dangerous projectile.__

"Argh!" Ganondorf grunted as his own spell was bounced back upon him. Before he could act, the electricity coursed through him and he was reduced to a prostrate, kneeling mass on the ground. "Beaten again…by a wretched kid…!" he grumbled, just as Link stood above him, shining blade poised to deliver the ultimate strike.__

"From whence you came you shall remain. …Unless the seal is broken again!" Link proclaimed in the most valiant manner possible.

No sooner did the blessed sword meet its mark than a brilliant portal materialized and began to suck Ganondorf in-an inescapable vortex which would whisk him back to the Sacred Realm._  
_  
"You! Curse you Zelda, and curse you Link!" the beaten king growled. Then just as the portal swalled him whole, he added, "So long as the Triforce of Power is mine, I will have revenge!"

With the disappearance of the vortex, and Ganondorf along with it, the fair kingdom of Hyrule was restored its peace and prosperity again. The victors glanced at one another, then in silence they made their way back to HyruleCastle.

"…You _are_ going to pay for making me a bargaining chip," Zelda finally stated.

"Surely you didn't doubt we would be victorious all along, right Princess?" Link responded.


End file.
